Metrosexuals of Might and Magic

I know most of my readers wonder what I’m up to when I don’t play guide to the undercurrents of Romanian society or investigating the whereabouts of Coca-Cola C2 (what a quest my friends).

Well, there are several potential answers and they do depend on the day of the week. Tuesday for example, I discussed with my brother the concepts of dobrosexual, moldosexual and ardosexual. Who are these people you might wonder? Well, they are young impressionable Romanian clubbers (from Dobrogea, Moldova or Ardeal) who sports identically chopped hair and who love to go to clubs named Obsession or Crystal. They are not metrosexuals, because deep down inside they still believe Costi Ionita makes good music.

These sexuals will party in a club wearing the latest in crap (such as patches stiched on jeans) until the wee hours of the morning, having a hard time finding their friends in the crowd as everyone looks the same.

This completely unlike the six types of creatures available in Heroes of Might and Magic V, one of the wickedest games available on the market today.

Listen, it’s HOMM V that I was planning to write about all along. The sexuals thing was just a way to tone down any impression of me being less attuned to pop culture and more plugged into virtual worlds where mages, rangers, elves and knights beat the crap out of necromancers and demons.

I have played the previous installments of HOMM so getting number V was among my priorities when I returned. After more than two months of game play I finally wrapped up the game today and I have to admit I kicked some major ass. It’s true that I played on the easiest level, but my aim is to finish games not master them. That’s for people who are not curious enough to investigate the newest sexuals available in local clubs (sorry Geo).

Anyway, the story in Heroes V is complicated but interesting, which is why the summary below will completely destroy it (this blog chronicles the story of each of the six campaigns, but it’s moving slow).

So, here is how it all goes down. Angry demons break up the wedding of Griffinn King Nicolai to Queen Isabel. Nicolai gets pissed and like any angry man with heavy armor, he decides to go off to war. He sucks at it and gets killed. Isabel, who has been hangin’ by the pool drinking Long Islands, gets pissed off (sort of like the Elven lady Eowyn in the Lord of the Rings –minus the “No living man am I! You look upon a woman.” proclamation) and marches of to war with the help of trusted sidekick Godric.

At the same time the demon Agrael has some second thoughts about his purpose in life and decides it kind of sucks to serve the Demon Sovereign. He also loves Isabel, which is creepy. At the same time, ranger elf Findan is going about his business of saving his kingdom now that the world is getting ready for war. He is the equivalent of a third party in American politics–always getting screwed by both sides. But Findan is a cool dudu and the hunters are awesome creatures to have in your army.

Over on the dark elves side another dude, Raelag, seems to be doing the same saving of his own world although no one quite knows who this raven-haired angry man riding some sort of dinosaur is. There is also Markal, a wicked necromancer who promises Isabel he can resurrect Nicolai and make love happen all over gain. Right, and then he will patch things up between Brad and Jen, huh? Yes, of course he lies because Isabel is actually pregnant with a demon child, which upon birth will be mighty evil. Cue up the eery music.

Things progressed from there and eventually a young mage named Zehir rescues Godric (imprisoned by a Queen Isabel high on dark spells) and joins up with Findan to kick Markal’s ass. Raelag also joins the team and it becomes obvious to anyone but the blind that he is Agrael (stay tuned for the Fight Club of Ashan). They all have a jolly good time whooping the Sovereign’s ass and rescuing Isabel. Isabel returns home and the final scene tells us that she is evil and that the Griffing kingdom is in trouble. She obviously had one too many Long Islands.

It’s true that a murderous, maniacal queen is something way more interesting than a dobrosexual practicing his latest moves to the best of German club music.

Below are some HOMMV screenshots.


Stuff blows up–most likely as a result of a well-delivered meteor shower spell. Griffin Eternal!


Godric, frustrated at Zehir for eating the last piece of cheese.


Four angry heroes ready to bring te pain to the Demon Sovereign.


Raelag–a shot from his pictorial for the DarkElfGirl Magazine.


Our four heroes and the demon plant Biara deciding what kind of toothpaste to put on sleeping Isabel’s face.

6 Responses to “Metrosexuals of Might and Magic”

  1. Eowyn is not an Elven lady, she’s a Rohan lady 🙂 yeah, i score high in the geek insomniac department.

  2. I meant Elven in the hot kind of way 😀

  3. The screenshot captions were absolutely hilarious. The only problem about your post is that now I have to throw away the draft of my review, since it tells more or less the same thing.

  4. Hey, thanks for linking to my article. Well, now that I know someone is reading it, I have an incentive to complete the summary faster. The thing that’s hampering me is having to play through the game again on a slow computer with an incompatible ATI card.

    I’m 80% done with the Dungeon summary but am revising it to be more snarky.

  5. what tha hell are you on about? and pliz don tell me there is mo of the sexual crap coz if there is, they can cramp it up their asses not when we were told recently there is a new breed of men called ubersexuals….uber who? the scene or play sucks for what its worth. Id rather pass than watch that crap. you guys must be taking space weed to enjoy that crap!

  6. Every one knows that Findan and Zehir are gay :)))

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