Owlspotting

It has been said for centuries that wine is the Holy beverage. I have seen people getting trashed on wine (both on red and the less holy white) and there wasn’t much saintly stuff to report about them. They kept stumbling on their way out of the bar, taxi drivers continued to try to scam them, the night remained as dark as ever and they welcomed the morning with one mother of holy head aches.

Today, I believe I have found the true holy beverage and it will come as no suprise to anybody that it’s distilled in Romania, more precisely in the green hills of legendary Moldova.

Enter “Stefan Cel Mare” vodka, which the packaging describes as “Finest De Lux Vodka.”

Stefan Cel Mare was a Romanian prince who ruled Moldova in the 15th century for longer than communism dominated Eastern Europe 500 years later. Depending on your source of literay translation, he is either Stefan The Great, Stephen The Great, Stephen the Big or Big Steve. In our moments of national solitude we refer to the man by his full name, Stephen the Great and Holy. Thus the holy nature of this fine beverage carrying the name of this monolith of a man.

Big Steve was known for several things and a quick Google search will reveal much about his life and times. For example:

– he killed a bear with his bare hands when he was 15 years old. Brad Pitt became jealous he asked for a bear fighting scene in Legends of the Fall. Brad Pitt lost.

– he stood in front of the gates of his castle chatting with his mother who couldn’t believe the punk had stayed out so late slaying all the Ottomans he could find. At point the mother, annoyed by having to chat with him in cold weather says: “Join the army, die for country.” This idea inspired many a great military planners through history. See Rumsfeld, Donald.

– he beat the Ottomans in 34 out of 36 fights, a record bested only by the 1972 Miami Dolphins who have dedicated their Superbowl victory to Big Steve. A Superbowl ring has since been engraved on Big Steve’s humongous tomb at Putna monastery.

– he built 44 churches and monasteries during his time. It is believed Big Steve wanted to open up casinos, tattoo parlors and sword manufacturing plants but zoning regulations in the 15 century only allowed for churches and military outposts. Because Big Steve doesn’t need walls to defend himself, he settled for churches.

– he fathered enough illegitimate children to crowd a private kindergarten. This practice did not make the man less holy–he has been canonized by the Orthodox Church–because in those times of turmoil, kings were responsible for population growth.

– he stuck a sword in a wall so deep that it made the whole Excalibur episode look like a child’s game.

– he asked for a website to be built in his honor. One does exist at stefancelmare.ro but it has many areas under construction, including the official response of modern clergy to the many children he spread around mythical Moldova.

It is this man that the Botosani-produced vodka celebrates. With 40 percent alcohol its guaranteed to turn you into a holy bear slayer. The smooth and silky liquid, the box says, offers “knowledgeable people strenght, greatness and wisdom.”

It is said that when ressurection comes around, Big Steve will me marching proud with his huge sword raised high. In those circumstances, wouldn’t it be better if you marched along side the Holy Prince? Sure JC was cooler and in the end his wine does taste better, but the man doesn’t carry the sword of doom around.